What Would Michael Do?

Ever wish you had one of these?

Yeah, me too.

See, this year has been so unbelievably hard that a large part of me would like to somehow find a way to erase it completely from my memory.  Never in my life have I felt so vulnerable, so scared, so angry.  Never in my life have I felt my own mortality the way that I have this year.

I learned what true suffering feels like.  I also learned a thing or two about my patience (or lack thereof would be more like it).  The pain, both physical and emotional, were unbearable at times.

Before 2008, I had all the pieces of my mother fuckin’ puzzle put together.  All but say one or two, but I knew where those pieces were and I wasn’t in any hurry to finish.  I felt safe and confident about my life and what I was doing with it.  And at midnight, I will start a new year of my life feeling like this:

I can bitch about how fucked up 2008 was… how I’m pissed that my diagnosis made my mom cry many times.  i’m pissed because my dad is constantly worried about me and for the first time in my adult life, he’s had to support me financially at times.  i’m pissed that my sickness made my sisters break down…and they say it’s because they don’t like seeing me in pain, but my brother-in-law told me that it’s really because when i’d get really sick, they’d get scared that their kids wouldn’t be able to grow up having their uncle mikey to spoil them and laugh with them and take care of them.  i’m upset that i’ve doubted myself and that i’ve been disrespectful to people because i didn’t deal very well.

Why is it that it’s always at the end of a year that you stop, reflect and take stock, and in that time you only see the negative shit?

I’m done with that.  I want to leave 2008 on a happier, more optimistic note.

First of all, let me say that I’m writing on about 48 minutes of sleep.  I’ve had a VERY exhausting day.  I just HAD to come down to the valley though.  Prince Charming has done enough rescuing — it’s about time I rescued him, right?  :-)  I went straight to the hospital and I got permission to go up with him to see his mom (it’s supposed to be immediate family only but shhhh) and lucky for us, she was awake.  As I saw Prince Charming walk up to his mother, grab her hand and hit it playfully while saying “Don’t scare me like that again,”  I suddenly became aware of how much I’ve learned about life and love this year.

A rough night and a collapsed lung later, she’s stable-ish again, leaving her family stable-ish as well.  lol.  I laugh not because it’s funny that she’s sick and people are hurting.  I’m laughing because it’s been a fucking wild ride for all of us and there’s nothing left to do but laugh.  As a matter of fact, we all (Matt, Isa, JT and I) were eating disgusting hospital pie in the cafeteria and we suddenly started laughing.  And we just couldn’t stop.  I’m talking about hysterical laughing — the kind where you can’t even catch a breath and tears are running down your face and you try to look away so you can get a chance to breathe but somebody belts out another loud, obnoxious sound and you start laughing all over again.  Why were we laughing?  Because Isa said that we should write a book for that Lemony Snickett series.  You know, “A Series of Unfortunate Events.”  It’s not all that funny, unless you’ve lived the lives that they have or have seen all of these things happen and have just stood in the sidelines absolutely shocked and horrified like I have.  That’s what their lives have been like for a while now.  And my life has bordered on shocking and horrifying this year, too.

As I sat there, continuing to eat with these people that mean so much to me but are in so much pain, I started thinking about last summer (07) and how I saw Prince Charming through the worst pain of his life.  And when I asked him why he decided he should give up, he smiled up at me very weakly with fresh bandages on his wrists and he quoted Robert Frost to me.  He said, “I don’t know, I guess I just had a lover’s quarrel with the world.”  He had merely been an acquaintance, but I fell in love with him that night, I think.  Only 22 at the time and yet he spoke as if he had lived a thousand years.  So much depth, so much insight… he oozed amazingness and I wondered why it was that a boy so brilliant and genuinely good and fucking perfect could feel like he had nothing to live for anymore.

Exactly a year after, it was me who needed the help.  And he didn’t hesitate.  He was the first person I told about my diagnosis even though I hadn’t talked to him in months.  He hasn’t left my side since.  I think I’m one of the lucky few who actually BAGS A FUCKING GUY AT DIAGNOSIS.  Most people split, right?  hahahaha

So yeah, 2008 has been rough, but I can’t say it’s been the worst thing ever.  I *do* have this amazing guy in my life who makes me feel loved and makes me want to be a better person.  He is my rock.  He is my light.

We both have a very long way to go, but we’re kicking adversity in the shins and reclaiming the lives that cancer and all that bullshit have threatened to take away from us.  So we’re a little damaged… so fucking what?

Like JT always quotes (because he’s a quoter, for sure):  Damaged people are dangerous.  They know how to survive.

And that’s definitely one thing that rings true this evening:  We know how to survive.

So fuck you, cancer.  Watch out.  In 2009, you’re going to wish you hadn’t messed with me.

My New Year’s resolution:  stay alive.  lol  But also, I want to take what I learned in 2008 about love and humanity and learn even more.  And apply it in 2009.  I want to give back, do great things, and never ever give up.

I *finally* got Prince Charming to get some sleep.  Poor kid, he hadn’t slept.  I haven’t either, but for some reason it’s more important that he gets his rest.  He’s been so stressed.  I gave him some Tylenol PM when he thought it was Tylenol.  hehehe Drugging my own boyfriend.  NOW I CAN HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!  WOO HOO!

No seriously, if he’s still asleep at midnight, I will give him a soft kiss on the forehead and thank my lucky stars that I’m alive to see another year and I’m ringing in this new year at the very place I feel like I’m needed most.

I’ve celebrated in so many different ways over the years.  I can’t remember a lot of it because a lot of alcohol was involved.  ;-) But as a kid I got to ring in new years in various countries.  I got to see what Berlin was like on Jan 1st.  The Vatican.  Paris.  Madrid.  London.  Boston.  NYC.  Austin.

And here I am in Harlingen, Texas tonight.  Sounds lame, right?  haha But honestly, this is the first time I feel like I’m right where I belong.  And I couldn’t be happier about that.

So HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!  I wish you all good health, love, and great happiness in the new year.

And to anyone who reads this, thank you.  For getting me through it all.

And to quote Gossip Girl (because THAT is definitely the way I want to wrap up my year lol) :

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME

XOXO.