What to do, WHAT TO DO?!
Well, fuck.
While my best and worst of 2008 lists will come tomorrow or the next day, I have to take the time today to give a major thumbs DOWN to cancer and what it’s done to my life, my academic/professional plans, yadda yadda yadda.
I had a consultation with the rads guy today. It angered the CRAP out of me. I’m angry that this isn’t over yet! I’m in remission — why am I still needing radiation? They can explain it to me about a thousand times and I *still* don’t freakin’ get it. Maybe I don’t WANT to get it. The problem with me is that I start reading medical journals, studies from 2000-2008 (I don’t trust anything from before 2000), and I see the same thing nearly everywhere. Studies show that with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a better outcome is attained with chemo alone for people with advanced stage disease (IIB - IVB). I was only stage 2, which would technically be early stage; HOWEVER, the ‘B’ symptoms make it advanced. Apparently, doctors have been disagreeing on the benefits of radiation in hodge cases for a while now. I, of course, would like to side with the doctors who say radiation isn’t beneficial. I’ve sought two opinions and they both disagreed. So here I am, a little more tattooed than I was yesterday. Angry, too. They also made this mold thing for me. THAT should be interesting. I have a “dress rehearsal” of sorts on Friday and I start rads on Monday. It’ll be once a day, five days a week (nothing on Saturdays and Sundays) for five weeks. Lucky me, right?
Radiation also makes things a bit more complicated for me because I don’t exactly know what to expect. I hear I’ll probably just have a sore throat and be fatigued, but I have to worry about THAT while I figure out how to get money and get back to school.
Before cancer, I was working a (mostly) full-time job, going to school full-time, and TAing. I didn’t have to do all of those things, but I wanted to because I go a little crazy when I have to be idle (as many of you have witnessed since this bullshit cancer came into my life :-)). I enjoy working hard and I like to feel like I’m not wasting time, like I’m doing everything in my power to better myself. I want to get back to that, but I know that it’s going to be a process now. I know I have to be patient. I just don’t want to be. ;-)
Most of you know that I quit my economic research/consulting job a few weeks ago. That was a really hard decision to make, especially because the people there have been so nice and understanding. They were all wishing me well and were completely cool when I told them I needed to take 6 months. I got together with my ex-boss a few weeks ago and discussed what was expected of me upon my return in January and I realized that I just couldn’t do it. He wanted me to do 60-80% traveling and I just can’t. I have radiation, and I have school and while I was able to do stuff like that before, I can’t now. I asked to work on the clients that were in the Austin/San Antonio area and he said we could TRY to work something about, but it was clear that he wanted me to work with clients in California, Philly, DC, NYC and I CAN’T. Not right now. Also, it sounds silly but I don’t know if I can go back to a job like that after cancer anyway.
Why?
Well (Oh God, here I go), I want to help people and actually SEE that I’m helping. When I worked at Goldman Sachs or the Boston Consulting Group, the money was there and the challenge was there, too… but I’d always go home feeling like I was a bad guy. haha Does that make sense? Like… Here I am doing shitty things for a ton of money when there are poor, sick, less fortunate people out there who need help. Getting cancer opens your eyes to a lot of things. My GOD, if you only knew how many fights I’ve had with people from my health insurance If you could talk to the people I’ve talked to — the ones who can’t afford certain treatments, who don’t know how they’re going to provide for their families — you’d have a grand epiphany like I did. Don’t get me wrong, the job that I had until a few weeks ago included public sector stuff that felt, well, good… but I want more.
Of course, I’m not looking to land my dream job now. Once I get my phd, I can become a professor and mold young minds. lol Scary thought, isn’t it? ;-) But even then, I’ll be teaching something that I love and I’ll be seeing that I’m doing something good for others. I can also volunteer and whatnot.
For now (and I hate to even say it), I just need something to pay the bills.
BUT I also don’t want to do something I hate doing.
Sooooo… predicament.
The medical bills are already coming, I haven’t had a solid income coming in for months, I also need to worry about rent (which, ahem, is a lot and I may have to move soon), my car, phone, etc. I’m a bit overwhelmed at the moment. I got together with Clarissa, Isa, Matt, and JT the other day (First two are harvard finance majors, Matt (JT’s brother) is an economist like me, and JT is a math whiz and overall problem-solving extraordinaire) and we were able to come up with a good financial plan for me for the new year. Only thing is, in order for the plan to be successful, I need to get a job. Soon.
I had a job offer, but I turned it down. WHY? I DON’T KNOW. I say I’m not picky and I promise myself and you all that I’ll get something so I won’t feel so stressed. I promise I won’t care how much it pays or what I’m doing, but then I go off and do something like that!
School is also a problem for me right now because this stupid writing class I have to take is only offered in the fall. WELL EXCUSE ME IF I CAN’T TAKE YOUR SHITTY WRITING CLASS. I HAD FUCKING CANCER, OKAY?! It PISSES me off. THAT course is a pre-req for another course I have to take so everything is jacked. The good news is that I talked to my advisor and a dean and they told me that it was okay to take it easy and take 1 or 2 other classes that I need (and do those other ones next fall) and work a little on my dissertation if I can. That’ll keep me enrolled and getting my delicious stipend. That’s a good thing because it pays for a lot of my living expenses and that’d be one less thing I have to worry about. Also, I can take classes that are in the evenings so I can still get a full-time job.
I need to find a job that will let me be gone for half an hour or so while I get radiation for the first month. HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIND A JOB LIKE THAT??
Also, it’s SO hard to fucking go to job interviews with a bald head. It’s SO fucking obvious that I have cancer. It’s not like you can wear a bandana to an interview. When I went to an interview the other day, I wore a suit and I wore this hat and I refused to take it off. I don’t know if that was rude or not, but seriously WTF? SO, if it’s obvious I have cancer, will they use that against me? I know it’s illegal for them to do so, but PLEASE, you think that they won’t? We’re talking about insurance premiums here. Also, they automatically know that I’ll be out a lot (probably) and they will MOST DEFINITELY take that into consideration. How can they not?
The thing that really has me down is that I lost my awesome fellowship because of cancer. That’s messed up, right? I won’t give the name of the organization that gave me a fellowship because I don’t wish them ill or bad press or whatever, but I did think it was shitty of them to take away my fellowship because of my cancer. They said it was because I had to have been going to school full-time and since I wasn’t this semester, there was no way they could keep me on for the spring. But I don’t know, it’s depressing. I worked so hard to qualify and impress and to get it taken away from me is a huge blow. Plus, that money would come in handy right now. Instead, I find myself very, VERY stressed about how I’m going to make it these next few months.
It doesn’t help that I’m living like I have no money problems. lol You don’t see me buying Hill Country Fare shit. I still splurge. And as an economist, I should know better, but as a fag, I just can’t help myself.
SIGH!
Well, if anything, I can always go back to what I was taught back in the day.
I bet THAT could make me some money…
