What Would Michael Do?

Christmas is here. WOW, right?

“Good things are coming my way,” I kept telling myself. In January. When things were fine. Sort of. And my year started off with a bang! I worked on my phd, worked full-time as an economic consultant for a company in Austin, and I was TAing a class on game theory. I was also volunteering, making sure I was physically fit, and spending time with my family and friends. I didn’t get much sleep, but the workaholic in me was happy to be busy.

And then I got sick.

And then cancer took me over its lap and gave me a good spanking. Okay, I almost make it sound like an awesomely erotic experience. Let me try that again.

And then cancer attacked me with a machete in one hand and a crowbar in the other, effectively gutting me and tearing me apart both physically and emotionally.

DAMN, I can’t even believe the year I’ve had. I could give an update — I have plenty to say about my job situation and school and life — but I’ll leave that for another blog. Instead, I wanted to tell you all that I’ve been thinking about how different this holiday season has been from the others I’ve had. With the experiences I’ve had in the last few days, I think a guide needs to exist…one that helps us survive the friggin’ holidays.

So I give you…

Michael’s Guide to Surviving a Cancer Christmas:

* Be confident in the way you look. NO MATTER WHAT. Translation: either doll yourself up this Xmas or accept (with a smile on your face) that you’re in treatment and you’re ugly as all shit

A Cancer Christmas sometimes means that people you haven’t seen in a very long time and don’t necessarily want to see or have around will come over to check up on you or spend time with you. Christmas is the time of the year when everyone feels bad about not doing jack shit for the first 11 months of the year so they try to do good things in December to make themselves feel better. “Let’s help with the toys for tots drive!” “Oh I know, let’s go sing Christmas carols to the homeless!” “HEYYY even better, let’s go visit that cancer patient. You remember Michael? We used to be friends with him! Aww, poor kid!”

I had a steady flow of visitors the last few days I was in Austin. And now that I’m out of town, I have some friends wanting to meet up with me here… friends that have not seen my new cancered out body yet.

This makes me nervous. I’ve been avoiding new people and some old friends at all costs since I started my little cancer adventure. I feel disgusting! I don’t want people to see me like this because this, what I am right now, isn’t an accurate representation of, well, ME. The true me. You think I LIKE walking around with a bald head? You think I’m okay with the fact that I’ve lost 30-40 lbs or that I don’t have eyelashes? I’m pale and weak and I HATE it.

But you know, FUCK IT. What is Christmas really about? Baby Jesus? This is a picture I took yesterday.

Let’s be honest. *leans in and whispers* Baby Jesus has a *bit* of an anorexia problem, dontcha think? So if HE isn’t perfect, why should WE be?

Or do what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna dress to mother effin’ impress. I refuse to ruin the Christmas pics this year. I’m hoping my pregnant sister will make gross faces at the camera so that nobody will even remember that I had cancer this year. I’m gonna put on some sweet clothes, a hat that makes me look human, and maybe I’ll do a little somethin’ to my eyebrows. I don’t know, I *AM* part Mexican after all. You know what cholas do:

Pass me a fuckin’ sharpie! I will mark. that. shit. UP!

Or hell, I can even do THIS shit:

So many options. So don’t take your looks too seriously. Just have fun this Christmas. Make the best out of this shitty situation. And make people laugh while you’re at it.


*Try not to overindulge. Christmas sweets BAD.

Stuffing your face with Christmas tree shaped sugar cookies MAY seem like a good idea, and for a while it might be, but trust me guys, 2-6 is enough. 18 cookies in one sitting for a cancer patient is excessive and unnecessary. Apparently some of my friends think that tins filled with treats is a perfect Hey-glad-you-don’t-have-cancer-anymore holiday treat for me. They’re right. But I somehow managed to accrue many of these tins in my last days in Austin (I’m away for the holidays, but I’ll get to that in a second) and I ended up having one of THOSE moments before I left. You know what kind of moment I’m talking about. The when-I-come-back-they-won’t-be-good-so-I’ll-just-eat-them-now moment. That mixed with the starving-kids-in-Africa moment I had midway through and an hour later, I had sugar all over the counter, all over my face, and I’m pretty sure in places I dare not even mention (haha). My tummy was full and I was happy.

Happy until I threw up on the plane today.

Bad idea. Very bad idea. Eat what you want this Christmas, but if you’re like me and have had trouble eating and keeping things down while on treatment, you might want to put a cap on how many sugary goodnesses you can have.

Or don’t. But don’t blame me when you’re puking out cakes or you’re stuck on the toilet with the runs while everyone else is opening presents.

Whatever you do, DON’T listen to sad music.

Trust me on this one, guys. This holiday season, I have plenty to be thankful for: I’m in remission, I’m loved, I’m gonna be able to get back to my life very soon, blah blah blah. But for some reason I thought it a good idea to buy the “the hotel cafe presents Winter Songs” album on iTunes the other day and I got stuck on this song called “Winter Song” by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. Mother FUCKER! After the 5th play, I totally forgot all of those good things and was looking for rope or something sharp so that I could kill myself. Okay, it wasn’t THAT bad, but I got really depressed! It wasn’t so much the words as it was the piano, the tempo and their fragile, vulnerable voices. It put me in a weird mood and I kept thinking about how hard life has been these past few months. I started to throw myself a pity party and all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with my favorite blanky and have myself a good cry. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not against having a good cry. In fact, I encourage it sometimes because it can be therapeutic. But if you’re like me and you hate that you always seem to find a way to put yourself in a sad mood (especially during the holidays), this is one thing you must avoid. Buuuut if you do end up listening to those sad songs, remember what I said about the cookies. Because I can picture you all eyeing them and then traveling towards them with the syncopated gaits of people who’ve been sobbing in bed all day but suddenly remember that there’s pie.

If you’re going to travel, USE YOUR CANCER CARD.

Let’s face it: no american express will get you what your cancer card can get you. I was flying all day and you would not believe how awesomely I got treated just because I have cancer. I was traveling with one of my sisters, my brother-in-law, and two kids and with one mention of the word “cancer”, we were boarding first, cutting to the front of the line, getting free shit, and getting extra attention once we were seated in the plane. A first class passenger even offered to give up his seat so that I could sit in first class!!!! I sooooo would’ve done it had my niece and nephew not been fighting for 40 minutes about who’d get to sit next to me. I felt bad. So instead, I sat in a middle seat with one on each side. That was very uncomfortable and a very bad idea. You live, you learn. Next time, I’ll be leaving those little twats with their parents (or with the strange, yet generous man who offered his seat to me) and I’ll be sitting comfortably in first class with my hot towels and all the alcohol I can drink.

But anyway, yeah, it WORKS. USE it. Also, I know I’m going to sound like my mom here, but you should use masks while on planes, busy places with crowds, and while on public transportation. Seriously, guys. Even *I* wore one on the plane. No shame in that. Well, a little, but it’s over in no time. Also, if you’re a little self-conscious about walking around and having people stare at you, I suggest a cool cancer t-shirt that kind of explains things or writing “fuck off” on your mask. Because that’ll definitely work.

I went with:

So instead of having people look at you like “OMG HE HAS CANCER, look at him look at him!”, people smile and think you’re ADORABLE for having a sense of humor about your crap situation.


Ah hell, I meant to write a lot more but this is getting longer than expected and my brothers are finally wanting to go to sleep and they aren’t keeping me company anymore. BOO. That’s what I get for sleeping while they were out chopping wood. (YOU SEE? Cancer card got me out of THAT, too!)

I’ll continue my list tomorrow. But chew on that for today.