What Would Michael Do?

So yeah, I’ve been in the hospital for a week now. How do people even put up with this?! I’m DYING in here. And not even of cancer. OF BOREDOM!

I ended up with a certain crappy viral infection that has apparently been going around. I was dealing well with it up until the day I made that stupid “cancerland” post. I got a fever and wasn’t feeling very well so I call the doctor…yadda,yadda, yadda…I land myself in the hospital. THEN after blood tests, we find out I’m neutropenic. So, okay, crap, right? The icing on the ever-so-delicious cancer cake? I have a bacterial infection that quickly turned into pneumonia.

I’m not going to lie. I was pretty bad for a few days there. I haven’t been able to eat, I’ve been on oral and IV morphine to help with the pain, and the worst part of it all is feeling like you can’t breathe. OH MY GOD, I hate that feeling. I’ve had moments when I seriously want to take a knife to my chest and cut my own lungs out and replace them with the nearest, healthier set — in this case, my mom’s. Okay, maybe not hers but definitely one of the nurse’s. There are only a few things stopping me. 1) I’d probably go to jail for attempted murder if I tried to cut her lungs out and 2) She has big tits and I’m fascinated by them. I don’t want to do them any harm. I want to protect them. I want to lay on her bosom and enjoy the milky softness. I think maybe that would cure me right away. I’m tempted to actually ask her if I CAN but, nooo… if she takes it the wrong way, I’ll be in for a couple of days of major awkwardness.

I don’t know if it’s the fever or being on all those meds but I’ve also had whacked out dreams lately. I had a dream that I was TAing a class and this bitch comes up to me and tells me she’s Bristol Palin. F!!!!! I’d flunk her. Once I finish school and have my PhD, I’m really considering being a professor. I think saying this will probably keep anyone from hiring me, but I’ll say it anyway: I don’t think I’d be very fair. I probably would give Bristol Palin an F. Actually, I think that any person who gets diagnosed with cancer while they have me for class will get an A. I’ll be like, “nope, don’t drop my class. I’ll give your ass an A if you don’t tell anybody.” An A+ if you get diagnosed with Hodkgin’s. You know, the + for REPRESENTIN’. haha. You can think of it as my contribution to the cancer world. Lance Armstrong does his thing with his foundation, celebrities do things like SUTC to raise awareness, Heidi (the love of my life) will continue to do amazing things with Planet Cancer, Kairol will put her book out, JT will make great strides in finding the cure for cancer with his biomedical research, Lindsey will continue to flirt with cancer patients to make them feel better about themselves (right, Linds? ;-)), others will raise a ton of money for various cancer organizations, and me? Yeah, I’ll give out A’s. What?! It’s better than nothing, shit.

But back to how bored I am. I got SO bored that I started playing this game with myself to pass the time. NO, it doesn’t involve masturbation, you naughty people. Actually… ;-) That’s another story for another time (but it may have worked, as I’ve seen my counts go up a bit.) But yeah, I start making up things about my doctors/nurses and convince myself that they’re facts. For example, I’ve convinced myself that one of my nurses (the one with big breasts) is a stripper. After her shift is over, she tears off her scrubs and has on this naughty little thing. She’s a total maneater and I feel like she’s a bit dirty. She’d be the type to pee in the shower, you know? NASTY. OMG and her eyebrows are painted on. You do NOT understand how hard it is to bite my tongue and not say, “Hey, will you paint some on me for funsies?” I REALLY WANT TO! God HELP me.

*sigh* Okay, I’m tired and hurting so I’ll shut up now. I just wanted to say thanks to you all who were inquiring about my health. Very sweet. :) I’m FINE. I want to get out of here already but apparently I’m not ready. Ugh. Hope you all are doing well, and if any of you Hodgkin’s people can tell me any stories about having to delay treatment a bit because you got sick or if any of you have any words of wisdom on how to deal with pneumonia, you let me know.

As my little nephew says (because he saw this English movie but got it all wrong): cheerios!