What Would Michael Do?

I busted out the cancer card yesterday and BOO-YAH!  I got myself (and a friend) out of a sticky situation!

I’ve been kind of sick so I’ve been laying low for the past few days but by this afternoon, I realized that I was pretty tired of being stuck inside.  I needed some fresh air.  So I met Julie at the Co-op.  She needed to get some books and I tagged along just for kicks.  It’s weird being in the college atmosphere again and having people stare at you.  YES, my bandana is hiding my bald head, you pieces of shit.  I’m minding my own business, why can’t you?  Am I saying anything about the dreadful orange tie you’re about to buy?  NO.  So don’t look at me like I’m a freak because I don’t have hair.  With that receding hair line of yours, you’ll be looking like this in ohhh about five years.  At least mine grows back.  Jack ass.

Buuut I digress.

So anyway, when we were done there, I asked Julie to drive to the Whole Foods downtown because I wanted to get a few things.  Yeah, yeah, there are closer ones, but, um, just leave me alone!  I like the one downtown!  I’ve been trying to eat healthier.  My diet has been a bit off for a while now.  Things are tasting really bad because of the chemo.  I also find myself vomiting after greasy stuff.  As many of you all remember, I puked a woman after pizza.  And I also had to vomit after eating sonic-sized chili cheese tater tots from Sonic the other day.  Anyway, ENOUGH.  I’m eating lots of fruits and veggies and being really good.  Hence the trip to Whole Foods. 

And I digress yet again.

ALRIGHT, so we got on i-35 and headed downtown.  We were listening to NPR like dorks and talking about random shit.  Traffic was surprisingly not too bad and we got to Whole Foods rather quickly.  While we were there though, I started to feel a bit nauseated and that post-chemo blahness came over me yet again.  I also have a bit of a cold that I’m working on so that didn’t help the way I was feeling.  Julie noticed that I wasn’t feeling my best, so we hurried it up and got out of there.  Once in the car, I was feeling okay again, so we continued to talk.  We got so into a discussion that she ran a red light RIGHT IN FRONT OF A COP.  When I looked in the mirror and saw the lights come on, I busted out laughing.  Julie was fucking pissed and nervous. 

Julie:  FUCK!  I can’t get another ticket! :(  Help me!

Me:  LOL Well what do you want me to do?  Flash the dude?  That’s not going to work, Julie.  If anything you should flash him!

Julie: MIKE!!! Help me! I’m scared! 

Me:  It’s just a ticket!  Who cares?  I’ve gotten a thousand  of them.

Julie:  Fake that you’re sick, okay?  PLEASE.  PLEASE! 

Me:  (laughs) what?  lol what am I supposed to do?

Just then the cop comes to her window, asks for her license and registration, blah blah blah.  You know the deal.  I reach into the glove compartment like she asks me to and fetch her registration stuff.  Just as I’m pulling it out, she’s like, “I’m so sorry officer, it’s just that my friend here is REALLY sick and I really need to get him to the hospital.  I know I shouldn’t have ran that red light but see he has cancer and he has a fever and he’s not doing so well.” 

I think I had that deer/headlights look on my face.  Then he looks over to take a closer look.  I had no idea what to do so I just sat there and gave him a face like :-/.  I really was just so surprised that she used MY CANCER to get herself out of a ticket.  Then the cop looks at me and is like, “You need to put your seatbelt on, sir.”  SHIT.  I hadn’t put my seatbelt on.  I quickly said, “Oh I had it on but I took it off when we stopped the vehicle.”  The cop’s like, “Well, you shouldn’t do that.  You could get fined for not having a seatbelt on.”  So I said, “Oh ok, yes sir.  It’s just that I have this port, see?  (And I pulled the neck of my t-shirt down to expose it just barely)  This seatbelt hits me right on the chest and I’m feeling sick so when we stopped, I needed to undo my seatbelt so it would stop hurting.  I won’t ever do it again, sir.  I’m sorry.”  Then I gave him hey-will-you-please-just-give-me-a-break?-i-have-freakin’-cancer-here face.  It worked.

He told her to drive safely and for me to take care.  HUZZAH!  Oh my God, after that I probably *should* have gone to the hospital.  We were pretty paranoid.  We thought he was going to follow us to make sure we did end up going to a hospital, but we saw him turn a corner and we were home free. 

Oh yes, boys and girls.  The cancer card does indeed work.  And please feel free to use mine like Julie did.  Have something you want to get out of?  Just say, “Oh, my friend Mike has cancer and I’m gonna go take care of him so sorry, can’t!”  I give you all permission. 

And the best part of the whole thing was getting on i-35 after running one more errand and passing by this sign that EVERYONE sees on a daily basis but nobody ever thinks twice about.

bwahahahahaha

So remember kiddies:  Click it or ticket!  Unless you have cancer.  ;)