What Would Michael Do?

I threw up on some bitch a few hours ago. How awesome is that?

Okay, before I get into that, let me give an update.

As many of you know by reading JT”s last blog, a hurricane hit south Texas a few days ago. Well, it hit harder than expected and my best friend, Matt (who happens to be JT’s brother), couldn’t get a hold of his family so he got anxious and crazy and wanted to immediately drive down there to make sure people were okay. Problem is… he’s a pussy and probably would’ve cried had he driven through the flooded streets by himself. I volunteered to drive him. Because I’m no pussy. ;-) And I have a man’s vehicle — not like his pussy little car that would’ve stalled for sure. We stocked up on food and took a couple of ice chests full of water and headed down there Thursday night.

There was this PC get together in Austin on Thursday that I wanted to attend because 1) It would’ve been really great to get to know more people closer to my age that have gone through this shit. You know, it’d make me feel less alone and 2) Heidi and Rainey are two smokin’ hot women. I have a crush on Heidi (Hi, Heidi *smiles as seductively as possible*) and was totally looking forward to meeting her. Then I thought, meh, what if she has a husband or a boyfriend? And after that, I thought… WWJD? Go have a few drinks with some hot girls or go help hurricane victims? (probably the former, right? He was probably naughty like that) And finally I thought… Why am I even thinking about this? I’m gay!

This limp-wristed homosexual realized that he needed to do the right thing — go help out. So I’ve been here since Thursday. Dang! It’s pretty heartbreaking seeing all these families who have lost their homes and everything they own in just one day. It put a lot of things into perspective for me. Here I am complaining about how I have cancer and how life isn’t fair… and you know, it still really isn’t fair. It’s not fair that any of us have to go through this shit when other people our age don’t. But watching people in long lines just to get a few bottles of water and some ice with nothing left but the clothes they were wearing really made me very aware of all the bad that people in this world have to experience and suddenly I felt less alone. I wished I could help them all. I wonder if they saw me wearing my bandana and thought the same thing of me. “I wish I could help him.” Now that’s a thought.

So we got there and we found Matt’s family all safe albeit tired and frustrated. There was some flooding on their property and they had no electricity or water (and they still don’t so they’re staying elsewhere) but they were more concerned with the problems that their friends, relatives, and other, less fortunate people had to face. Sorry gals and Lynn, I don’t think there are any photos of shirtless JT but you all will be pleased to know that he was indeed sweaty and tired and yet he was still up on rooftops helping put tarps and plywood over people’s fucked up roofs. People he didn’t even know! Hot, right? Yeah, you guys know you love that shit.

While all the men helped with stuff like that, JT’s mom forced me to sit out and make phone calls. “Who is the pussy now?” That’s what you guys are thinking. And you’re right. That kind of sucked. Well, I’m only pretending it sucked but actually it was fucking hot out there and I much preferred to be chilling out trying to get discounted hotel rooms for stranded families. She was totally mom-ing me. I guess seeing two sons through cancer makes you overprotective with just about anyone that has to deal with the same thing.

I knew that it wasn’t exactly the kind of environment I should be in a week and a half out of chemo. Neutropenia, anyone? Standing water, debris everywhere, sick people — bad Michael! But fuck, this is the first time in a long time that I actually felt good about myself. I didn’t feel like a fucking lazy ass at home doing absolutely nothing all day. I was out with my best friend and I felt like I was being a useful and good member of society, dammit! It was all fine until today. I wasn’t feeling all that well and I noticed that I hadn’t brought my Zofran along with me. Matt and I were opening huge boxes full of hygiene kits and getting them ready to be passed out when I heard this one lady helping us say, “God look at all these people, they’ve lost everything.” I responded, “I know, that really sucks. I feel really bad for them.” She says, “Oh, I don’t. That’s why they should’ve bought flood insurance. That’s what they get for not being responsible.” WTF? Ok, so I know I can be an asshole but at least I’m fucking compassionate and I understand that not everyone (especially in this part of Texas where many live in extreme poverty) can afford basic necessities like food and clothing, much less fucking flood insurance!

It was about 100 degrees outside, I was feeling a bit sick, she had just said something that made me want to punch her vagina … and then…

PUKE.

I puked right on her ugly ass shorts and it dripped down her cottage cheese legs. (I’m normally not this mean but dang, she was a fuckin’ bitch.)

Never in my life had I been more glad that I had eaten pizza. The tomato sauce looked absolutely lovely dripping down her body. The shade of vomit was slut red just like her lipstick.

I apologized because I was slightly embarrassed — not because I puked on her but because other people saw me and kept asking if I was okay. On the inside, I was like so excited and happy with myself. I looked at Matt and he looked as if he wanted to bust out laughing and then make love to me and spoon me after because it was THAT awesome. He did laugh later but the making love and spooning didn’t happen. I reckon his wife wouldn’t have liked that. ;-)

Who needs Zofran, right? I should just get used to puking on bitches. I’d just be doing my part as a member of society. Keeping all the bitches in check. You wanna be a bitch? That’s fine, I’ll just vomit all over your face.

I write a lot. I apologize. All of this when I really wanted to just ask all of you the following question: What has worked for you nausea-wise? Anyone know of any natural remedies for it? I’m here for another day and the drive home tomorrow will be a really long one if I don’t get this nausea under control. I don’t have my meds until then! Think fast!

Update: Rainey has just informed me that Heidi is indeed married! My heart is oh so broken. ;-)