What Would Michael Do?

Yet another PC entry.

I’m really frustrated.

I got my second shot of Neulasta early this morning and I’m already feeling like it’s slapping me around like I’m its little bitch.

So yeah, what’s worse is that it’s my birthday. Aww, please don’t go and send me birthday wishes now. I don’t want to even remember it’s my birthday. I never want to associate today with my birthday in the future. NEVER! I feel like if I do, it’ll just ruin it for me. I was never really one to go all out for birthdays to begin with but last year I had the best birthday of my life. The person I was totally in love with had a million and one things planned for me and it was one of those days that you can’t even dream up. THAT good. And now I’m stuck in bed, probably feeling the worst I’ve felt..well, ever. My family and friends all wanted to throw me a party and do all these things with me. Yeah fucking right! I’m hurting and I’m puking and we still haven’t figured out what I should be taking for my nausea because it can still get pretty bad. I canceled my birthday this year. Eff that. And, you know, I think I’m going to start year 28 when I finish all of this shit. I’ll make that day my new birthday because like hell if I’m going to let this shit take away 6 months of my life and make me feel older when I can’t possibly do much living from my bed.

Or maybe I just need to figure out how to “live” and have cancer at the same time. Maybe I’m just a big wuss. I hear about so many other people that go through ABVD and they’re completely fine. They go to work, they do all of these things, and they sometimes even forget they have cancer. I’ve only gone through 2 treatments. 2 fucking treatments. I’ve just finished ONE cycle and I’m already tired and hurting physically (and sometimes emotionally) like I’ve never hurt before. I’ve always been a strong person. A confident person. But quite frankly, this shit is wearing me down.

Oh I’ve gone and sounded like a big ol’ complainer. I know that there are many that have it worse than I do. I’m not a complete idiot and I don’t even usually feel this sorry for myself. I think I’m just feeling especially pathetic because I’m ignoring phone calls and all I want to do is just sleep. I seriously want someone to come give me a fucking horse tranquilizer so that I can sleep through the next few days. Hell, the next 6 months.

Okay, end of bitching. I promise. ;-) Or as my great friend JT would say “< / bitching >”

Speaking of JT… is he not just a doll? lol Okay, in all seriousness though… you guys all know JT, right? If Planet Cancer were high school, he’d be the popular smart jock that everyone adores. Because that’s really what he was when he actually went to high school and it seems to translate well online. He’s been a friend of mine for a good while now, even before cancer. He’s actually the one that introduced me to PC in the first place (thank God for that) … but I just wanted to mention that he shaved his head for me on Sunday. So give him a virtual pat on the back if you can because he’s an awesome person that is always willing to give and can somehow make a person feel better with words of encouragement or, if you’ve had the pleasure of meeting him, you’d be greeted with a quick, caring smile/hug that would certainly make your day. My doctor told me that the hair usually goes shortly after the second treatment and I felt like perhaps I should beat it to the punch.

I was less than thrilled to be losing my hair…I can tell you that much. Actually, I think I probably said “Fuck this fucking bullshit. How the fuck is this fucking fair?! I’m gonna be 28, not 82! This fucking sucks balls.” Yeah, apparently I like the word “fuck.” Then again, who doesn’t, right? ;-) Okay, but anyway, he quickly looked at me and I could see the pain in his eyes. I know that every day that he is here for me is another day that he’s reliving moments of his own past with cancer. All he had to say was “I know” and I felt less alone. But fuck that, I still didn’t want to lose my hair.

He didn’t hesitate to take the clippers and shave a piece of his hair off. I looked at him and I could not believe he did that. I’ve always heard about family members and close friends doing that in acts of solidarity. I think it’s wonderful that people do that but this wasn’t that deep. This was more like a “Hey, it’s not the end of the world. It’s just fucking hair, okay?” It was the perfect kick in the pants that I needed to say to myself… you know what? I can fucking do this. As my favorite politician says, “YES WE CAN” ;-) He finished his hair with our help and his older brother (my best friend) proceeded to do it as well. And pretty soon my apartment was filled with bald heads. Things like that are what make this whole experience less shitty. Okay, enough with the glass half empty shit. Things like that are what make this whole experience all the greater. It reminds me what it means to care and to love and to have deep personal connections with people and things on this earth. Hmm, now all I have to worry about is actually hanging out with them. People are going to think we’re hare krishnas.

So I’m bald and hurting but I’m definitely trying to focus on things that can keep me entertained while I’m sick. So I can’t go to school and I can’t be an effective worker so I can’t do that, either. But I can still be passionate about other things that maybe I haven’t paid enough attention to as the years have gone by. I’m reading a book a day when I’m not feeling too sick. History books, books on politics, and books I’m even embarrassed to mention *turns to the bookshelf and stares down copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You”* Okay, just kidding, but still. I’m also getting back into politics (I let it go a bit because it was just too emotionally draining after the Texas two-step. I needed a break from it as worrying about it was literally killing me. Or at least I thought that’s what it was…then I found out it was the cancer. Oh well. ;-).) I’m spending more time with family and friends and just reconnecting with the world or rather, connecting with it on a different level. It’s not all that bad.

For now, I just need to learn how to deal with my frustration. I started throwing stuff against the wall yesterday because I was that frustrated. But now I’ve just gone and made a mess. Can you guys get JT or any other Austinite on PC to come clean for me? C’mon. I have cancer.

No? But…but…the cancer card!

Goodnight, y’all. And thanks for the well wishes. :-)