What Would Michael Do?

Well you all warned me but a part of me *still* thought, nahhhhhh. It can’t be all that bad.

I’m keeping score, y’all. Neulasta: 1, Mikey: 0.

I got up from bed because I suddenly felt sick and well, there went my dinner. Nice, huh?

I don’t know why I thought I could be strong. Stronger than most. Heck, stronger than everybody else has ever been. But I’m just two days into treatment and I’m already figuring out exactly how debilitating this shit can be.

I’m not feeling all that great right now. When I was done being sick, I looked towards the table and noticed all the prescription meds that have my name written on the labels. How did it come to this? How did I go from being perfectly healthy to taking more medication than I’ve ever had to in my entire life combined! I just don’t get how things could take this turn and so quickly, too.

Being sick in bed has given me the time to really think about my life. But instead of having some epiphany about what I’m supposed to do with my life, I’m ending up thinking about the past and how it was so much better than what I have now.

Have any of you ever done the whole “A year ago today…” thing? You think about what you were doing a year ago and you see how much your life has changed? Hopefully for the better?

Yeah, well a year ago today exactly… I had the person of my dreams in my arms and we were having the best sex of my life. Of our lives. You know, the kind that goes all night and well into the morning. The kind where you don’t get any sleep at all but you somehow make it throughout the day because that person’s love and passion just stays with you for the rest of the day. The kind that’s so emotional, it even makes a strong, tough guy like me cry. Yes, ladies and gentlemen… that’s what my life was like a year ago. lol I had a great job. I had just completed my first year of phd coursework. I was surrounded by my amazing family and friends. And I wasn’t 100% happy but I was totally getting there.

I’m just not very happy with the way my life is going right now. I’m on leave from my job. I had to go on medical leave from school as well. I still have my amazing family and friends but the passion, that love doesn’t really live here anymore. Instead I am left feeling completely drained. Cold. Tired. Without the warmth of a significant other. Sad that this is what my life is now.

That’s not to say that I’m not feeling confident. I’m confident that I’m going to beat this thing. I’m confident that things will be okay and get better even.

But fuck, I just hate that this is happening now. Why couldn’t I get cancer at 88?

Pain killers, anti-anxiety pills, pills for nausea, etc. But where’s the one that helps you when you’re feeling a little sorry for yourself? ;)

Ok, after saying all of that, I feel better. At least emotionally. I feel like throwing up again.

What a night this is going to be!