What Would Michael Do?

Things are rough around here.  Took what’s-his-face to get his bone marrow biopsy and other tests done today and while I waited, I did what any good boyfriend would do:  I thought up stupid shirts for him/us.

He needs to smile.

First, we have the “bALLer” shirt.  Yes, he’s survived ALL (acute lymphoblastic leukemia) once, ladies and gentlemen.  He can surely do it again.  The beauty of this shirt is that there are actually different kinds of ALL (yeah, I didn’t know, either).  T-cell, B-cell, blah blah.  He happens to have the “b” kind.  which makes bALLer even more appropriate.  :-P

Because you know he’ll give people dirty looks if they ever look at him and think he’s “weak”:

I seriously want to make one of these shirts for MYSELF.  Just because blood cancers are pretty serious…doesn’t mean you can’t get a little gangsta with ‘em.  Wouldn’t wear this in certain parts of LA, though.  The cancer may not kill you, but the Crips will.

And who doesn’t like Star Wars?  This is what Darth Vader should have said:

And maybe for the impatient inpatient who wants to make use of the cancer card to get off:

Or for the lucky ALLer who gets a Hickman line for their chemo:

Please, people.  Support your local cancer patients just as you support your local businesses.

It’s amazing how much cancer treatment costs, right?  And for what?  To just make you sicker?  People staring at your frail, gross post-chemo body?

Aren’t you sick of all those stupid colored ribbons for cancer awareness?  *I* can’t even keep up with them anymore.  I’m annoyed with pink, because the tit cancer ppl get all of the attention.  I think Hodgkin’s is purple.  Or violet.  Or whatever.  Leukemia is orange?  It’s just too much — I just say combine them all.

OKay, this one is totaly stupid (as if the others aren’t) but I felt the need to include it anyway:

And yeah, I get a ton of jokes about being in a relationship with another person affected by cancer.  “Hey heh, heh did you guys give each other cancer?  Heh, heh.”  Yeah, funny guys.  Haven’t heard THAT one before.  But instead of getting annoyed… why not just embrace it?

Blood Cancers UNITE!

Or the ever so clever:

That one’s his (obviously).  This one’s mine:

Or because we somehow always make things into some kind of competition/rivalry:

And if he chose to wear something like that, then I’d make him wear something like this.  Because nobody disses the HODGE and gets away with it:

I think I’m going to make a t-shirt like this for my friend Kristin, who just got an allo transplant done, like, yesterday:

And this is definitely what *I’D* like to wear on chemo days (Maybe JT will, too?):

And finally, just because the question will inevitably come…so why not just get it out of the way?

Which one should I make for Mr. JT to cheer him up?

And also, come ON, girls!  Is there really NO way to get those disgusting dark marks under the eyes to go away without applying makeup?

I refuse to be called “the dude from Philadelphia”!  ACK!  HELP.  Stupid cancer.

Ever wish you had one of these?

Yeah, me too.

See, this year has been so unbelievably hard that a large part of me would like to somehow find a way to erase it completely from my memory.  Never in my life have I felt so vulnerable, so scared, so angry.  Never in my life have I felt my own mortality the way that I have this year.

I learned what true suffering feels like.  I also learned a thing or two about my patience (or lack thereof would be more like it).  The pain, both physical and emotional, were unbearable at times.

Before 2008, I had all the pieces of my mother fuckin’ puzzle put together.  All but say one or two, but I knew where those pieces were and I wasn’t in any hurry to finish.  I felt safe and confident about my life and what I was doing with it.  And at midnight, I will start a new year of my life feeling like this:

I can bitch about how fucked up 2008 was… how I’m pissed that my diagnosis made my mom cry many times.  i’m pissed because my dad is constantly worried about me and for the first time in my adult life, he’s had to support me financially at times.  i’m pissed that my sickness made my sisters break down…and they say it’s because they don’t like seeing me in pain, but my brother-in-law told me that it’s really because when i’d get really sick, they’d get scared that their kids wouldn’t be able to grow up having their uncle mikey to spoil them and laugh with them and take care of them.  i’m upset that i’ve doubted myself and that i’ve been disrespectful to people because i didn’t deal very well.

Why is it that it’s always at the end of a year that you stop, reflect and take stock, and in that time you only see the negative shit?

I’m done with that.  I want to leave 2008 on a happier, more optimistic note.

First of all, let me say that I’m writing on about 48 minutes of sleep.  I’ve had a VERY exhausting day.  I just HAD to come down to the valley though.  Prince Charming has done enough rescuing — it’s about time I rescued him, right?  :-)  I went straight to the hospital and I got permission to go up with him to see his mom (it’s supposed to be immediate family only but shhhh) and lucky for us, she was awake.  As I saw Prince Charming walk up to his mother, grab her hand and hit it playfully while saying “Don’t scare me like that again,”  I suddenly became aware of how much I’ve learned about life and love this year.

A rough night and a collapsed lung later, she’s stable-ish again, leaving her family stable-ish as well.  lol.  I laugh not because it’s funny that she’s sick and people are hurting.  I’m laughing because it’s been a fucking wild ride for all of us and there’s nothing left to do but laugh.  As a matter of fact, we all (Matt, Isa, JT and I) were eating disgusting hospital pie in the cafeteria and we suddenly started laughing.  And we just couldn’t stop.  I’m talking about hysterical laughing — the kind where you can’t even catch a breath and tears are running down your face and you try to look away so you can get a chance to breathe but somebody belts out another loud, obnoxious sound and you start laughing all over again.  Why were we laughing?  Because Isa said that we should write a book for that Lemony Snickett series.  You know, “A Series of Unfortunate Events.”  It’s not all that funny, unless you’ve lived the lives that they have or have seen all of these things happen and have just stood in the sidelines absolutely shocked and horrified like I have.  That’s what their lives have been like for a while now.  And my life has bordered on shocking and horrifying this year, too.

As I sat there, continuing to eat with these people that mean so much to me but are in so much pain, I started thinking about last summer (07) and how I saw Prince Charming through the worst pain of his life.  And when I asked him why he decided he should give up, he smiled up at me very weakly with fresh bandages on his wrists and he quoted Robert Frost to me.  He said, “I don’t know, I guess I just had a lover’s quarrel with the world.”  He had merely been an acquaintance, but I fell in love with him that night, I think.  Only 22 at the time and yet he spoke as if he had lived a thousand years.  So much depth, so much insight… he oozed amazingness and I wondered why it was that a boy so brilliant and genuinely good and fucking perfect could feel like he had nothing to live for anymore.

Exactly a year after, it was me who needed the help.  And he didn’t hesitate.  He was the first person I told about my diagnosis even though I hadn’t talked to him in months.  He hasn’t left my side since.  I think I’m one of the lucky few who actually BAGS A FUCKING GUY AT DIAGNOSIS.  Most people split, right?  hahahaha

So yeah, 2008 has been rough, but I can’t say it’s been the worst thing ever.  I *do* have this amazing guy in my life who makes me feel loved and makes me want to be a better person.  He is my rock.  He is my light.

We both have a very long way to go, but we’re kicking adversity in the shins and reclaiming the lives that cancer and all that bullshit have threatened to take away from us.  So we’re a little damaged… so fucking what?

Like JT always quotes (because he’s a quoter, for sure):  Damaged people are dangerous.  They know how to survive.

And that’s definitely one thing that rings true this evening:  We know how to survive.

So fuck you, cancer.  Watch out.  In 2009, you’re going to wish you hadn’t messed with me.

My New Year’s resolution:  stay alive.  lol  But also, I want to take what I learned in 2008 about love and humanity and learn even more.  And apply it in 2009.  I want to give back, do great things, and never ever give up.

I *finally* got Prince Charming to get some sleep.  Poor kid, he hadn’t slept.  I haven’t either, but for some reason it’s more important that he gets his rest.  He’s been so stressed.  I gave him some Tylenol PM when he thought it was Tylenol.  hehehe Drugging my own boyfriend.  NOW I CAN HAVE MY WAY WITH HIM!  WOO HOO!

No seriously, if he’s still asleep at midnight, I will give him a soft kiss on the forehead and thank my lucky stars that I’m alive to see another year and I’m ringing in this new year at the very place I feel like I’m needed most.

I’ve celebrated in so many different ways over the years.  I can’t remember a lot of it because a lot of alcohol was involved.  ;-) But as a kid I got to ring in new years in various countries.  I got to see what Berlin was like on Jan 1st.  The Vatican.  Paris.  Madrid.  London.  Boston.  NYC.  Austin.

And here I am in Harlingen, Texas tonight.  Sounds lame, right?  haha But honestly, this is the first time I feel like I’m right where I belong.  And I couldn’t be happier about that.

So HAPPY NEW YEAR, everyone!  I wish you all good health, love, and great happiness in the new year.

And to anyone who reads this, thank you.  For getting me through it all.

And to quote Gossip Girl (because THAT is definitely the way I want to wrap up my year lol) :

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME

XOXO.

Well, fuck.

While my best and worst of 2008 lists will come tomorrow or the next day, I have to take the time today to give a major thumbs DOWN to cancer and what it’s done to my life, my academic/professional plans, yadda yadda yadda.

I had a consultation with the rads guy today.  It angered the CRAP out of me.  I’m angry that this isn’t over yet!  I’m in remission — why am I still needing radiation?  They can explain it to me about a thousand times and I *still* don’t freakin’ get it.  Maybe I don’t WANT to get it.  The problem with me is that I start reading medical journals, studies from 2000-2008 (I don’t trust anything from before 2000), and I see the same thing nearly everywhere.  Studies show that with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, a better outcome is attained with chemo alone for people with advanced stage disease (IIB - IVB).  I was only stage 2, which would technically be early stage; HOWEVER, the ‘B’ symptoms make it advanced.  Apparently, doctors have been disagreeing on the benefits of radiation in hodge cases for a while now.  I, of course, would like to side with the doctors who say radiation isn’t beneficial.  I’ve sought two opinions and they both disagreed.  So here I am, a little more tattooed than I was yesterday.  Angry, too.  They also made this mold thing for me.  THAT should be interesting.  I have a “dress rehearsal” of sorts on Friday and I start rads on Monday.  It’ll be once a day, five days a week (nothing on Saturdays and Sundays) for five weeks.  Lucky me, right?

Radiation also makes things a bit more complicated for me because I don’t exactly know what to expect.  I hear I’ll probably just have a sore throat and be fatigued, but I have to worry about THAT while I figure out how to get money and get back to school.

Before cancer, I was working a (mostly) full-time job, going to school full-time, and TAing.  I didn’t have to do all of those things, but I wanted to because I go a little crazy when I have to be idle (as many of you have witnessed since this bullshit cancer came into my life :-)).   I enjoy working hard and I like to feel like I’m not wasting time, like I’m doing everything in my power to better myself.  I want to get back to that, but I know that it’s going to be a process now.  I know I have to be patient.  I just don’t want to be.  ;-)

Most of you know that I quit my economic research/consulting job a few weeks ago.  That was a really hard decision to make, especially because the people there have been so nice and understanding.  They were all wishing me well and were completely cool when I told them I needed to take 6 months.  I got together with my ex-boss a few weeks ago and discussed what was expected of me upon my return in January and I realized that I just couldn’t do it.  He wanted me to do 60-80% traveling and I just can’t.  I have radiation, and I have school and while I was able to do stuff like that before, I can’t now.  I asked to work on the clients that were in the Austin/San Antonio area and he said we could TRY to work something about, but it was clear that he wanted me to work with clients in California, Philly, DC, NYC and I CAN’T.  Not right now.  Also, it sounds silly but I don’t know if I can go back to a job like that after cancer anyway.

Why?

Well (Oh God, here I go), I want to help people and actually SEE that I’m helping.  When I worked at Goldman Sachs or the Boston Consulting Group, the money was there and the challenge was there, too… but I’d always go home feeling like I was a bad guy.  haha Does that make sense?  Like… Here I am doing shitty things for a ton of money when there are poor, sick, less fortunate people out there who need help.  Getting cancer opens your eyes to a lot of things.  My GOD, if you only knew how many fights I’ve had with people from my health insurance  If you could talk to the people I’ve talked to — the ones who can’t afford certain treatments, who don’t know how they’re going to provide for their families — you’d have a grand epiphany like I did.  Don’t get me wrong, the job that I had until a few weeks ago included public sector stuff that felt, well, good… but I want more.

Of course, I’m not looking to land my dream job now.  Once I get my phd, I can become a professor and mold young minds.  lol Scary thought, isn’t it? ;-)  But even then, I’ll be teaching something that I love and I’ll be seeing that I’m doing something good for others.  I can also volunteer and whatnot.

For now (and I hate to even say it), I just need something to pay the bills.

BUT I also don’t want to do something I hate doing.

Sooooo… predicament.

The medical bills are already coming, I haven’t had a solid income coming in for months, I also need to worry about rent (which, ahem, is a lot and I may have to move soon), my car, phone, etc.  I’m a bit overwhelmed at the moment.  I got together with Clarissa, Isa, Matt, and JT the other day (First two are harvard finance majors, Matt (JT’s brother) is an economist like me, and JT is a math whiz and overall problem-solving extraordinaire) and we were able to come up with a good financial plan for me for the new year.  Only thing is, in order for the plan to be successful, I need to get a job.  Soon.

I had a job offer, but I turned it down.  WHY?  I DON’T KNOW.  I say I’m not picky and I promise myself and you all that I’ll get something so I won’t feel so stressed.  I promise I won’t care how much it pays or what I’m doing, but then I go off and do something like that!

School is also a problem for me right now because this stupid writing class I have to take is only offered in the fall.  WELL EXCUSE ME IF I CAN’T TAKE YOUR SHITTY WRITING CLASS.  I HAD FUCKING CANCER, OKAY?!  It PISSES me off.  THAT course is a pre-req for another course I have to take so everything is jacked.  The good news is that I talked to my advisor and a dean and they told me that it was okay to take it easy and take 1 or 2 other classes that I need (and do those other ones next fall) and work a little on my dissertation if I can.  That’ll keep me enrolled and getting my delicious stipend.  That’s a good thing because it pays for a lot of my living expenses and that’d be one less thing I have to worry about.  Also, I can take classes that are in the evenings so I can still get a full-time job.

I need to find a job that will let me be gone for half an hour or so while I get radiation for the first month.  HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO FIND A JOB LIKE THAT??

Also, it’s SO hard to fucking go to job interviews with a bald head.  It’s SO fucking obvious that I have cancer.  It’s not like you can wear a bandana to an interview.  When I went to an interview the other day, I wore a suit and I wore this hat and I refused to take it off.  I don’t know if that was rude or not, but seriously WTF?  SO, if it’s obvious I have cancer, will they use that against me?  I know it’s illegal for them to do so, but PLEASE, you think that they won’t?  We’re talking about insurance premiums here.  Also, they automatically know that I’ll be out a lot (probably) and they will MOST DEFINITELY take that into consideration.  How can they not?

The thing that really has me down is that I lost my awesome fellowship because of cancer.  That’s messed up, right?  I won’t give the name of the organization that gave me a fellowship because I don’t wish them ill or bad press or whatever, but I did think it was shitty of them to take away my fellowship because of my cancer.  They said it was because I had to have been going to school full-time and since I wasn’t this semester, there was no way they could keep me on for the spring.  But I don’t know, it’s depressing.  I worked so hard to qualify and impress and to get it taken away from me is a huge blow.  Plus, that money would come in handy right now.  Instead, I find myself very, VERY stressed about how I’m going to make it these next few months.

It doesn’t help that I’m living like I have no money problems.  lol  You don’t see me buying Hill Country Fare shit.  I still splurge.  And as an economist, I should know better, but as a fag, I just can’t help myself.

SIGH!

Well, if anything, I can always go back to what I was taught back in the day.

I bet THAT could make me some money…

Christmas is here. WOW, right?

“Good things are coming my way,” I kept telling myself. In January. When things were fine. Sort of. And my year started off with a bang! I worked on my phd, worked full-time as an economic consultant for a company in Austin, and I was TAing a class on game theory. I was also volunteering, making sure I was physically fit, and spending time with my family and friends. I didn’t get much sleep, but the workaholic in me was happy to be busy.

And then I got sick.

And then cancer took me over its lap and gave me a good spanking. Okay, I almost make it sound like an awesomely erotic experience. Let me try that again.

And then cancer attacked me with a machete in one hand and a crowbar in the other, effectively gutting me and tearing me apart both physically and emotionally.

DAMN, I can’t even believe the year I’ve had. I could give an update — I have plenty to say about my job situation and school and life — but I’ll leave that for another blog. Instead, I wanted to tell you all that I’ve been thinking about how different this holiday season has been from the others I’ve had. With the experiences I’ve had in the last few days, I think a guide needs to exist…one that helps us survive the friggin’ holidays.

So I give you…

Michael’s Guide to Surviving a Cancer Christmas:

* Be confident in the way you look. NO MATTER WHAT. Translation: either doll yourself up this Xmas or accept (with a smile on your face) that you’re in treatment and you’re ugly as all shit

A Cancer Christmas sometimes means that people you haven’t seen in a very long time and don’t necessarily want to see or have around will come over to check up on you or spend time with you. Christmas is the time of the year when everyone feels bad about not doing jack shit for the first 11 months of the year so they try to do good things in December to make themselves feel better. “Let’s help with the toys for tots drive!” “Oh I know, let’s go sing Christmas carols to the homeless!” “HEYYY even better, let’s go visit that cancer patient. You remember Michael? We used to be friends with him! Aww, poor kid!”

I had a steady flow of visitors the last few days I was in Austin. And now that I’m out of town, I have some friends wanting to meet up with me here… friends that have not seen my new cancered out body yet.

This makes me nervous. I’ve been avoiding new people and some old friends at all costs since I started my little cancer adventure. I feel disgusting! I don’t want people to see me like this because this, what I am right now, isn’t an accurate representation of, well, ME. The true me. You think I LIKE walking around with a bald head? You think I’m okay with the fact that I’ve lost 30-40 lbs or that I don’t have eyelashes? I’m pale and weak and I HATE it.

But you know, FUCK IT. What is Christmas really about? Baby Jesus? This is a picture I took yesterday.

Let’s be honest. *leans in and whispers* Baby Jesus has a *bit* of an anorexia problem, dontcha think? So if HE isn’t perfect, why should WE be?

Or do what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna dress to mother effin’ impress. I refuse to ruin the Christmas pics this year. I’m hoping my pregnant sister will make gross faces at the camera so that nobody will even remember that I had cancer this year. I’m gonna put on some sweet clothes, a hat that makes me look human, and maybe I’ll do a little somethin’ to my eyebrows. I don’t know, I *AM* part Mexican after all. You know what cholas do:

Pass me a fuckin’ sharpie! I will mark. that. shit. UP!

Or hell, I can even do THIS shit:

So many options. So don’t take your looks too seriously. Just have fun this Christmas. Make the best out of this shitty situation. And make people laugh while you’re at it.


*Try not to overindulge. Christmas sweets BAD.

Stuffing your face with Christmas tree shaped sugar cookies MAY seem like a good idea, and for a while it might be, but trust me guys, 2-6 is enough. 18 cookies in one sitting for a cancer patient is excessive and unnecessary. Apparently some of my friends think that tins filled with treats is a perfect Hey-glad-you-don’t-have-cancer-anymore holiday treat for me. They’re right. But I somehow managed to accrue many of these tins in my last days in Austin (I’m away for the holidays, but I’ll get to that in a second) and I ended up having one of THOSE moments before I left. You know what kind of moment I’m talking about. The when-I-come-back-they-won’t-be-good-so-I’ll-just-eat-them-now moment. That mixed with the starving-kids-in-Africa moment I had midway through and an hour later, I had sugar all over the counter, all over my face, and I’m pretty sure in places I dare not even mention (haha). My tummy was full and I was happy.

Happy until I threw up on the plane today.

Bad idea. Very bad idea. Eat what you want this Christmas, but if you’re like me and have had trouble eating and keeping things down while on treatment, you might want to put a cap on how many sugary goodnesses you can have.

Or don’t. But don’t blame me when you’re puking out cakes or you’re stuck on the toilet with the runs while everyone else is opening presents.

Whatever you do, DON’T listen to sad music.

Trust me on this one, guys. This holiday season, I have plenty to be thankful for: I’m in remission, I’m loved, I’m gonna be able to get back to my life very soon, blah blah blah. But for some reason I thought it a good idea to buy the “the hotel cafe presents Winter Songs” album on iTunes the other day and I got stuck on this song called “Winter Song” by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson. Mother FUCKER! After the 5th play, I totally forgot all of those good things and was looking for rope or something sharp so that I could kill myself. Okay, it wasn’t THAT bad, but I got really depressed! It wasn’t so much the words as it was the piano, the tempo and their fragile, vulnerable voices. It put me in a weird mood and I kept thinking about how hard life has been these past few months. I started to throw myself a pity party and all I wanted to do was curl up in bed with my favorite blanky and have myself a good cry. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not against having a good cry. In fact, I encourage it sometimes because it can be therapeutic. But if you’re like me and you hate that you always seem to find a way to put yourself in a sad mood (especially during the holidays), this is one thing you must avoid. Buuuut if you do end up listening to those sad songs, remember what I said about the cookies. Because I can picture you all eyeing them and then traveling towards them with the syncopated gaits of people who’ve been sobbing in bed all day but suddenly remember that there’s pie.

If you’re going to travel, USE YOUR CANCER CARD.

Let’s face it: no american express will get you what your cancer card can get you. I was flying all day and you would not believe how awesomely I got treated just because I have cancer. I was traveling with one of my sisters, my brother-in-law, and two kids and with one mention of the word “cancer”, we were boarding first, cutting to the front of the line, getting free shit, and getting extra attention once we were seated in the plane. A first class passenger even offered to give up his seat so that I could sit in first class!!!! I sooooo would’ve done it had my niece and nephew not been fighting for 40 minutes about who’d get to sit next to me. I felt bad. So instead, I sat in a middle seat with one on each side. That was very uncomfortable and a very bad idea. You live, you learn. Next time, I’ll be leaving those little twats with their parents (or with the strange, yet generous man who offered his seat to me) and I’ll be sitting comfortably in first class with my hot towels and all the alcohol I can drink.

But anyway, yeah, it WORKS. USE it. Also, I know I’m going to sound like my mom here, but you should use masks while on planes, busy places with crowds, and while on public transportation. Seriously, guys. Even *I* wore one on the plane. No shame in that. Well, a little, but it’s over in no time. Also, if you’re a little self-conscious about walking around and having people stare at you, I suggest a cool cancer t-shirt that kind of explains things or writing “fuck off” on your mask. Because that’ll definitely work.

I went with:

So instead of having people look at you like “OMG HE HAS CANCER, look at him look at him!”, people smile and think you’re ADORABLE for having a sense of humor about your crap situation.


Ah hell, I meant to write a lot more but this is getting longer than expected and my brothers are finally wanting to go to sleep and they aren’t keeping me company anymore. BOO. That’s what I get for sleeping while they were out chopping wood. (YOU SEE? Cancer card got me out of THAT, too!)

I’ll continue my list tomorrow. But chew on that for today.

I was going to title this post “Cancerween” but I didn’t want you guys to think I was going to talk about my penis. Actually, by the end of this post I probably will talk about it at least once, but it’s mostly about Halloween, I swear.

Does anyone want to discuss Halloween costumes with me? I’m feeling pretty bummed for many reasons today but one is that I probably won’t get to dress up or do anything this Halloween. I missed chemo last Monday because I got really sick and I will probably finally get chemo #10 by the end of this week. That means ZERO halloween festivities. SUCKFEST.

I was so set on workin’ the whole BALD thing for Halloween. It was the only thing that kept me smiling this past May/June when I got diagnosed and was starting treatment. “At least I can do something cool for Halloween,” I told myself.

I’ve been told that I’m being a little “reckless” because I’ve been up and around a bit after getting out of the hospital. Honestly, I don’t give a crap about my health anymore. Sucks, right? That I work so hard to get into remission and now that I’ve achieved it, I’m like, “whatever.” I guess it’s just been a rough week.

Anyway, I went to that Spirit halloween store by Texas Thrift (off i-35) with my friend Matt to look for a costume. He has a couple of costume parties to attend. I’m so jealous. Anyway, I pretended to be looking for a costume for myself as well. I think I did it mostly because it was too sad to let myself think that cancer was going to yet again prevent me from doing something I was looking forward to doing.

I wrote this in June:
“I got so bored a while ago, that I started thinking about a costume for Halloween 2008. It occurred to me that I was going to be sick and very bald in October. I don’t know why I even thought about Halloween. I’ve never been a huge fan of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate slasher films and I love to eat candy… but I don’t really give Halloween much thought usually. But today I thought, hrm… should I go as Powder? Nah, that would require too much make-up. I know many of you ladies are very fond of make up but I prefer to go au natural on most days. ;) Ok, how about Mr. Clean? Crap, I’m not buff enough to pull that off. I could hit the gym…but I have cancer. So eff that. And did anyone even realize that Mr. Clean had bushy white eyebrows? Yeah, I didn’t either. I don’t know how I would pull that off. I’d have to, like, paste stretched out cotton balls to my face or something. That wouldn’t be good. Strike that. What about a young Jean-Luc Picard? Maybe I’d look sexy as that. Well, at least to your average star trek geek. Because that’s totally what I’m trying to attract, right?”

This time around though, I was thinking of trying my hardest to dress up like my chemo nurse. Just to annoy them and make ‘em smile. But then, I saw this and I kind of like it better:



Hmmm, I thought. But then I don’t think I could handle wearing shoes like that. And maybe they’d think I was a bit over the top if I showed up to get chemo looking like THAT. hahaha as if people don’t think I’m over the top already. But still, I considered it for a long while. I held it in my hands and weighed the pros/cons. In the end, I decided against it and put it back.

Matt looked at me the entire time like this: :-| . You know, no reaction, really. Then he went off on his own and looked for himself. He’s been my best friend for at least 10 years now so I have a feeling we have this special connection. You know, like when one of us is in trouble we just KNOW. Our BFF necklaces light up and shit. Haha joking. No but seriously, I had a feeling he was staring at me from across the store so when I looked up and towards him, sure enough, there he was smiling and calling me over.

He says, “You should be THIS for Halloween.” *points to this*



How RUDE, right? :-)

I told him and some other friends that they should buy me a coffin and I could play a dead person for Halloween and HEY if I really do die, then that’s one less thing they have to worry about! I’ll already have my coffin and stuff all set. They didn’t think that was funny.

Why don’t people take jokes about death very well?  I’m not gonna die, people.

Anyway, I’m kinda bummed that I’m gonna spend Halloween in bed. Maybe I really SHOULD dress up. All alone. So, so alone. haha :-) We’ll see. Anyone want to come spend the day and be pathetic right along with me? hehe If you all have any suggestions for this po’ cancer patient, you should definitely let me know.

I don’t know, I still say this one is perfect for me:


I told you I wouldn’t be able to make it through the entire post without talking about my penis.

Hope you all are having a good day. Cuz I certainly am not.

Oh. My. Effin’. God.  Where to even begin?!

So as a lot of you know, I was in the hospital with pneumonia last week and FINALLY got released a couple of days ago.  Since then I’ve been pretty much taking it easy and trying to entertain myself with anything that I can do from my bed.  *raises eyebrow*  Haha.

But anyway, as you guys can imagine, I’ve been bored out of my mind!  So when a friend sent me a quick e-mail from her blackberry after leaving the Mansion of Terror over in Round Rock saying that it was the BEST haunted house she’s ever been to, I just HAD to go see for myself. 

I’m pretty stupid, right?  I know, a lot of you are pissed that I even left my bed.  You’ll probably be furious by the time I finish this blog entry, but let me just say that it was all TOTALLY worth it.

I had to BEG Clarissa, Julie, Jared, and Sarah to quickly get ready and join me.  This was probably the worst idea ever — inviting 3 girls when there would only be 2 guys.  I have the scratches all over my sides/shoulders/stomach to prove it. 

We were a skeptical bunch, but we trekked out to Round Rock anyway.  See, I’ve been told that something is truly frightening before, but usually after checking it out, I end up disappointed.  While Clarissa, Julie, and I were at Harvard a few years back, we took the train to Salem, MA on Halloween because we were told that it was INSANE and that it was THE THING to do if you were out on the east coast.  We entered three haunted houses there with our friends.  The girls screamed like they always do but I laughed the entire way through.  We even took this hike out into the woods in the dark where the witch hunts supposedly took place.  Meh.  I was more scared that a snake would bite me or something.

Last year, I went to the House of Torment and it was alright but still, nothing really all that scary.  Maybe it was because it wasn’t Halloween-ish time yet.  I was in Boston all of that week watching my Red Sox in the World Series!  Okay, I digress.  I don’t even want to talk about the Red Sox right now.  It hurts too much.  :-)

As soon as we got to the Mansion of Terror, this crazy clown guy with a chainsaw came after us.  We hadn’t even bought mother fuckin’ tickets yet!  The girls ran all the way back to the car, screaming at me to open the door, while the guy only got closer.  I, of course, fumbled around with my keys but made absolutely no attempt to open it.  It was TOO fun watching them freak the hell out.  I immediately thought, hmmm… this is interesting.  They just might be right about this place.

So we buy tix and I put my mask on to cover my nose and mouth while entering to protect myself from germs.  I know, you guys are giving me this face: :-|.  I KNOW I shouldn’t have been out of bed, but PLEASE, you have no idea what it’s like being stuck at home all the damn time, ESPECIALLY after spending a week in the hospital!  I’m happy that it’s getting colder because that means I get to wear different kinds of hats that kind of hide the fact that I’m all bald and pathetic these days.  

HOLY SHIT!  I don’t want to give anything away.  I’d rather you all go and see for yourself.  SERIOUSLY.  But let’s just say that if I ever hear the words “Blood Frenzy” and “Slaughter Circus” again, I’ll probably shudder or cringe with fear.  I would have NEVER guessed that it was going to look so REAL.  It’s as if you immediately enter a different world, a Hell, and you completely forget that these people aren’t actually monsters and crazies and they won’t ACTUALLY harm you.  With every step I took, I sort of mentally slapped myself to try to remember that this was all fake, but I just could not do it.  The girls weren’t making it any easier!  They were grabbing on to me, scratching me, and making me go deaf with their screams.  Although there were some actors in there that actually screamed louder and made everything that much more frightening.  Oh God, I think I’m traumatized.

The whole setup was amazing, the actors involved were SO good, and I actually feel like they got gypped out of more money because I probably could have paid $50+ and still have been completely satisfied.  

By the time I made it out of both attractions, I HAD to take a time out and catch my breath.  My lungs still aren’t 100% and I was feeling like I was about to pass out after.  I actually screamed like a girl.  I feel so gay.  I *am* gay, but now I *feel* it.  :-)

So cancer may be pretty shitty, but at least I have Ativan at my disposal.  I took one after to calm down.  *smiles*  How great is THAT?

So if I had a million hands, I’d give it a million thumbs up.  But since I only have two, well two should suffice.  All you Austinites should think about heading out there.  I’m serious — you will NOT be disappointed. 

The website:  www.mansionofterror.com

I’m already talking my sisters into going and taking their friends.  Aaaand I may just go back there to watch.  That’s if I can do some more recovering.  

*grabs chest*  owwwwwww.

SO much fun, you guys.  Definitely one of those nights my friends and I will be talking about all year long.

I promise I’ll take better care of myself now. :D